March 19, 2025 Paula Gurnett, C.C.C.

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how couples handle disagreements can either strengthen or weaken their bond. Many couples fall into unhelpful patterns during arguments, often without realizing the long-term damage they can cause. Here are four common mistakes couples make during conflict and strategies to improve communication and connection.

1. Letting Emotions Take Over (Reacting Instead of Responding)

One of the most common mistakes is allowing emotions to dictate the conversation. When emotions run high, it’s easy to lash out, become defensive, or say things in the heat of the moment that can’t be taken back.

How to Fix It:

• Take a deep breath and pause before responding.

• If necessary, take a short break to cool down before continuing the discussion.

• Use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel hurt when...") instead of blaming or accusing your partner.

  
  

2. Stonewalling or Shutting Down

Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation, either by giving the silent treatment, walking away, or refusing to engage. While this may seem like a way to avoid escalating the fight, it can make the other partner feel unheard and rejected.

How to Fix It:

• Recognize when you or your partner is shutting down and acknowledge it.

• Take a break if emotions are overwhelming but set a time to return to the conversation.

• Practice active listening by validating your partner’s feelings instead of shutting down.

  
  

3. Bringing Up the Past

Rehashing past mistakes and unresolved issues during a current argument only fuels resentment and distracts from the real problem at hand. It can turn a simple disagreement into a battle over old wounds.

How to Fix It:

• Stick to the issue at hand instead of bringing up unrelated past conflicts.

• If past issues need to be addressed, set aside time outside of conflict to work through them.

• Focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame.

  
  

4. Focusing on Winning Instead of Resolving

Many couples approach conflicts as if they are in a competition, aiming to "win" the argument rather than working toward mutual understanding. This mindset turns partners into adversaries instead of allies.

How to Fix It:

• Shift the focus from being "right" to understanding each other’s perspectives.

• Remember that you and your partner are on the same team.

• Look for compromises and solutions that benefit both of you instead of "winning."

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but learning to navigate conflict with patience, empathy, and effective communication can lead to a stronger, healthier partnership. By recognizing and correcting these common mistakes, couples can foster a more supportive and connected relationship, even in the face of conflict.