When Negativity Takes Over: Understanding Negative Sentiment Override

September 17, 2025 Paula Gurnett, C.C.C.

Relationships naturally go through ups and downs, but sometimes the balance tips in a way that makes every interaction feel like a potential conflict. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman describes this dynamic as Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)—a state where negativity colours how partners see and interpret each other, even when the intent is neutral or positive.

What is Negative Sentiment Override?

Negative Sentiment Override happens when past hurt, unresolved issues, or repeated conflict creates a lens of distrust and defensiveness. In this state, partners assume the worst about each other’s words or actions. A simple comment like, “Did you pay the bill?” can be interpreted as criticism rather than curiosity or a reminder.

Over time, this negative filter can turn even small daily interactions into battles, leaving both partners feeling unheard, unappreciated, and on edge.

Signs You Might Be in NSO

• You assume negative intent behind your partner’s words.

• Neutral comments feel like criticism or rejection.

• Small annoyances trigger disproportionate reactions.

• Positive gestures go unnoticed or are dismissed.

• The relationship feels tense most of the time.

If these patterns sound familiar, you may be experiencing NSO. The good news is—it can be shifted.

Why NSO Happens

NSO isn’t about being a “negative person.” It’s often a natural response to:

• Unresolved conflicts that keep resurfacing.

• Lack of repair attempts after arguments.

• Stress outside the relationship (work, finances, family).

• Erosion of trust or intimacy over time.

Essentially, NSO is the brain’s way of staying on guard—but it can create distance rather than connection.

How to Shift Out of Negative Sentiment Override

1. Notice the Filter Awareness: Ask yourself: Am I assuming the worst right now? Catching the bias helps you pause before reacting.

2. Look for the Positive: Train your brain to notice when your partner is making small gestures of care. Gottman calls these “bids for connection.” Responding positively—even to little things—can rebuild trust.

3. Practice Gentle Start-Ups: Instead of leading with criticism (“You never listen”), try softer openings (“I feel overwhelmed and could use your help”). This reduces defensiveness and keeps conversations calmer.

4. Repair and Reconnect: Quick repair attempts—humour, a touch, or an apology—can help de-escalate conflict before it spirals. Repairing quickly teaches your nervous system that not every disagreement is a threat.

5. Build Fondness and Admiration: Remind yourself what you appreciate about your partner. Share compliments, gratitude, and memories of good times. Positive perspective grows stronger the more you nurture it.

6. Seek Support if Needed: If NSO has become the default setting, couples therapy can provide tools to break the cycle and rebuild connection.

Negative Sentiment Override can make your relationship feel like walking through a storm. But it’s not permanent. By slowing down, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and intentionally building positive interactions, you can shift back toward Positive Sentiment Override—a state where trust, generosity, and goodwill shape how you see your partner.

When positivity becomes the lens again, even mistakes or conflicts are easier to navigate—because you trust the bond beneath them.